@howe007: If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.
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@karanbirtinna: Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
@SirEviscerate: *re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?