If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now