If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
the noise i just made
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading