I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
How your email finds me
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day