Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas