If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to