Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
You Might Also Like
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My Sentiments Exactly
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about