All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.