if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”