[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.