Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Proctology is located in A55
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.