A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon