@BackrowSeats: If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
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@OutOfLeftField_: The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, "Save the whales!"
@bobvulfov: APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane
@rynbtmn: None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
@jimmytorosian: Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: "I am a rock. I am an island" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends