If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
You Might Also Like
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.