if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
We need more people like this.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”