“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.