“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.