“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
where the womens at?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Nice try, NASA
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer