It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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Woke up against my better judgement again
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button