If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
#MeanwhileInCanada
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant