If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.