Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
fourth time’s the charm
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.