If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.