If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Everyone’s family
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her