@genehunter1: If you don't have a bucket list, then put "make bucket list" on your "To Do" list. nnYou don't have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)
@robknepper: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand