Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Feels
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I just love that new Pope smell.