If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Important reminders
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.