If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Netflix and awkward silence?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Does it…does it take 3 days
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*