If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
is this a warning or an offer?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go