[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
pat pat
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix