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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
They’re the worst 😩
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.