If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
No selfies while hijacking a train.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
choose your fighter
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you