If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision