Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
welp
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Wednesday
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die