@VodkaThursday: If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility
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@Izianikapani: I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I'm reading her Hugh Jackman's autobiography.
@candace_9871: Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
@TheHyyyype: Apparently when your wife says "let's make a baby," she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram