to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.