If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A game married people play.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
cat faces on other animals, a thread
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.