me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.