@DaveWeasel: If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.
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@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
@Elizasoul80: I walk around in public saying "wait for me guys" so everyone thinks I have friends.
@OfficeofSteve: Cashier: Bag or plastic sir Me: Neither (scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
@UnderTheJewFro: I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.