Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Just how popey was the pope today?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?