If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Just grow your own
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.