*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
You Might Also Like
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
What the hell happened here.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands