If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
OH. COME. ON.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?