If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue