If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
You Might Also Like
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing