If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.