“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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I’m aging like a fine banana
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.