If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“you changed” bro i was 15
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.