If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
You Might Also Like
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
This makes total sense…