If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers