If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space