If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t