If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Grandmother clock.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings