If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
this is uni
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth