If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
oh my god
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Thursday
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.